When I told my reviewers what movie they’d be watching, their reaction was….well kind of like this:
The movie opens to a news reel, which we are soon going to find is an ongoing theme throughout the flick.
Like the first Starship Troopers, they have a whole WWII propaganda film feel to them. Much to my dismay, my reviewers are having trouble settling down and giving this important movie the attention it deserves.
Me: Pay attention guys, so you don’t miss any important plot points. Otherwise you’ll be lost the entire movie!
Jackie: *glances up at the screen and makes a face* Look at how lame the names are!
Cody:*as he slumps dramatically on the couch* Rich people yelled at me all day long! (Cody works at Ralph Lauren)
Jackie: *points at the TV* Look at the looks of horror of those soldiers on the painting in the background of that shot. (At least somebody is paying attention now!)
Me: It’s probably because they realized what movie they were in.
The movies changes scenes to show some military guys breaking out into song, complete with the words rolling along the bottom of the screen karaoke style.
Jackie: What is this?
Cody: It’s like High School Musical for the military.
Next the movie changes pace to a battle scene bug bombs suddenly attack a military outpost. Oh no, folks, it’s on now!!!!
Cody: Those look like Coco Puffs, not bombs.
Jackie: They’re coo-coo for Coco Puffs.
Cody: Why are they making rocket noises when they’re just rocks?
Jackie: Did that officer just order that private to pick up that disembodied arm from the ground?
Cody: Yeah, maybe they want him to run around and find the owner. “Is this yours?” “No, see I have both my arms”
Jackie: *Eyes bug out at one of the bad, clichéd lines as she snorts in laughter*
Cody: I bet they all thought script was so awesome when they were making it, too.
Cody: Why are they all talking like characters from the old 80’s GI Joe cartoon?
Jackie: Because knowing is half the power!
Cody: Why did they give the press guy a gun? This just makes me think that situation could end up badly.
At the line “Bugs???? I hate them, sir!” They all dissolve into laughter. Somehow I don’t think this is the response the scriptwriters were going for.
*A moth flies through the room and basic mayhem erupts until it leaves*
The movie then has the typical, clichéd scene where the main characters go into a bar and they are confronted by a ton of guys wearing a bunch of plaid and badass attitudes.
Cody: The future still has rednecks!!!!!
Jackie: Heckling ones, too.
As the scene shows some of the military offices looking at video, it induces a chorus of groans and eye rolls from the reviewers.
Jackie: They don’t have HD? My iPad has better graphics.
Cody: My android phone is even better than that!
Jackie: Is that girl officer a robot?
Me: No, just a bad actress.
Cody: You know a movie is bad when they have to resort to different actors for every new sequel.
Nikki: What’s up with their outfits?
Cody: They’re future warriors. *rolls eyes*
As they play yet another dramatic news reel, which shows the live execution of some soldiers who must have been very naughty boys.
Nikki: * as she cocks her head to the right* What?????
Jackie: Are they using vacuum cleaner tubes for the nooses?
Cody: Well, that won’t work. The guys will just bounce!
Nikki: * as she cocks her head to the left* What??????
Jackie: It must be hot on the set because their cake makeup is sweating.
Nikki: Or they’re all just really dirty.
Jackie: Maybe we’re just missing something because this plot makes no sense.
Me: Nah, the script is just full of more holes than swiss cheese, a colander, those redneck’s underwear.
Aaaaand, it’s back to the bar, which is attacked. Oh, noz! Of course the fact that a hundred huge ass bugs coming in for the kill doesn’t stop the humans from fighting amongst each other.
Nikki: Why do they keep punching each other? And why did that guy fall in the opposite direction of the punch….wait? Who are they fighting again?
Me: The bugs
Jackie: Do real bugs growl like that?
Cody: Maybe they do in the future. These are futuristic bugs after all.
Nikki: If this is our future I don’t want it.
A bug rips off a guy’s face then proceeds to wear it around like a legwarmer. It’s kind of a gruesome play on Flashdance, but we will soon learn this is not going to be the last movie this film rips off. (Ha, ha, ha...pun so totally intended)
Jackie: Oh, my god! That’s a Halloween mask on that bug's leg! How bad can these special effects get?
Nikki: The blood looks so fake it would be a step up if they used ketchup.
*Now there is a group-wide debate on the proper way to spell ketchup*
*Jackie and Cody both want to know why the general is still wearing glasses, don’t they have Lasix in the future*
There is another collective groan as one soldier is decapitated and his head tumbles away.
Cody: Heads don’t bounce that way!
Nikki: Why are the soldiers just standing there? Why don’t they fight?
Cody: Why is that one chick wearing heels? Who goes to war in heels? Seriously!
Jackie: It’s so she can kick the bugs in the nuts?
Cody: Do bugs have nuts?
Jackie: Of course they do.
Cody: I’m not so sure of that.
Jackie: Maybe it’s only mammals who have nuts.
Cody: *Gives Jackie the look*
Jackie: I know bugs eat nuts.
Cody: Wait…what were we talking about again?
The battle continue and the general losses his glasses yet again in the battle
Jackie: Wait! There is no glass in those things.
Nikki: They look like the dollar store glasses from the Vampire Boys! Maybe they upgraded to Walgreens.
*Sigh* The battle is STILL going when one bug begins to shoot from his….talon?
Jackie: This is a rip-off from War of the Worlds!
Cody: Tom Cruise should so sue.
Jackie: Actually it looks kind of dirty. The build up of fluid in the shaft before it shoots out.
Now we have a ragtag group of survivors who take refuge on a ship.
Nikki: That wife beater is sooo sexy.
Jackie: Why does that woman officer always have to put her hands on her hips whenever she talks?
Cody: Maybe because her shoulders are so wide and she wants to show off her power.
Riley the baby: *BURP!!!!!!!!* (Well, now we all know her opinion of the movie)
Oh noz!!! The ship is under attack. (And really, who didn’t see that coming) When guys goes up in flames, the room erupts into unwanted advice. (As if the guy can actually hear them)
Nikki: Stop, drop and roll, just like you learned in school!
And yet another news reel is being shown, but this one tell us *Gasp!* That they are going to execute Johnny Rico! Say it isn’t so?
Nikki: Oh my god, are they holding a trail for Johnny Rico for hitting somebody? How stupid.
Jackie: Wait is that radical, protester guy’s name Elmo? What is their issue? Everybody loves Elmo.
Cod: *throws his arm over his face in true dramatic style* May god have mercy on my soul.
And now the movie has totally lost us because we’re talking about dirty pictures on Facebook.
We are next taken back to the general’s office. A girl comes in and tells the general that she has something to say but she was told to keep her mouth shut.
Cody: And it looks like you’re doing a fantastic job at that, sweetie.
Nikki: Her face looks hairy.
Jackie: I thought the same thing.
The survivors from the ship, come out of their escape pod, to find themselves on a desert type of planet. They are very dismayed to discover that it’s infested with…you guessed it…bugs!
Nikki: *When the secondary female breaks out into prayer* This is not the time to be praying, this is the time to go get your guns and fight.
Jackie: Don’t you know it’s time for the rapture?
As the survivors continue their trek through the desert, we are forced to endure several minutes of mundane conversation.
Jackie: You know what’s so funny? You can always tell in movies like this, who are the first ones who are going to die. The chef is going to buy it, I just know it.
Nikki: I hope they off they kill of the chick soon. She’s kind of annoying.
Cody: And her jumper is sooooo ugly.
The film next jumps to Johnny Rico’s hanging.
Cody: Don’t worry, he won’t die he has a vacuum cleaner tube around his neck.
*Cody’s prediction proves to be somewhat true when the rope breaks and Johnny falls to the ground, but manages to live*
Nikki: He was so fat he broke the rope. LOL
Cody: So what? He broke the rope, so he gets to live? Is that how it works? Really?????
Jackie: So wait, the general had time to go up, cut the rope, go back downstairs, but he didn’t have time to find the head executioner and say, “Let’s just call this thing off.”
Back to the survivors….and I have nothing more to say about this scene, since it’s pretty much like the last one.
Nikki: This is not the time to be singing hymns…wait those are really big guns. (To which Cody looks quickly the screen , only to be disappointed because there really are only guns on the screen.)
Back to yet another news reel. *bangs head on wall*
Cody: They went all the way from an A Bomb to a Q Bomb, that’s pretty intense.
Jackie: Yeah, they made advance bombs, but no HD
Cody: Or Lasix
Back to the survivors, where they talk about the religious zealot in their group. (and let’s face it, there’s always at least one) The female lead declares he, “lost his nut”
Jackie: I thought all guys had two of them.
Nikki: (When the lead see something alarming through her night vision goggles) She’s so scared her J Lo lips are bouncing.
The earth begins to shake in true Star Trek fashion. ( Spock has nothing on these guys) Of course the characters scream earthquake, because that’s the first thing anyone would think when the ground starts trembling on a planet infested with giant cockroaches.
Jackie: That’s no earthquake…it’s buuuuuuuuuuugs.
The survivors have hope, though, because Johnny Rico is on his way to rescue them. Before they leave, however, Johnny must waste precious moments so he can give an inspirational speech to his troops.
Nikki: Why did they just say it’s a good day to die? It’s never a good day to die.
Back to the survivors. The lead female smacks the cook and tell him to get “his shit wired” further demonstrating her inability to look tough, no matter how hard the scriptwriter try to give her badass lines
Jackie: What does that even mean?
*Jackie then shoots me a dirty look* Did you do this to us on purpose? Make us watch this crap so you could see us suffer. This is worse than a Skin-a-max movie.
The cook dies, fulfilling Jackie’s prediction. The praying, secondary female lead collapses to her knees and weeps in grief.
Jackie: So, she took the time to reapply her makeup and lip gloss? *Jackie then breaks out into the chorus of “Another One Bites the Dust*
The movie goes back to the rescue ship, where Johnny Rico’s crew all…strip down naked???? O-o
Nikki: Why are they all walking around naked?
Cody: All the guys look good except that one guy. He’s ugly
Jackie: So you didn’t notice the girls and their bare chests?
Cody: No, because boobs are grooooooooooss. Look that one chick’s bounced when she laughed. *Gives the TV a disgusted look, before his eyes get wide in excitement* Oh, but look at that, they did give us a sideways, brief penis shot, so it’s not all bad.
The movie then meanders back to the general as he is now prisoner and is coming face to oh-god-so-gross face with the brain bug from the first flick. At this point I’m realizing how much I miss Neil Patrick Harris. Of course, after years and years of captivity, the brain bug picks this moment to attack his captures by way of high pitched wailing.
Jackie: I’m really not getting this plot.
Cody: Oh, my gosh that guy’s head just exploded, for seriousness???
Jackie: Why did only some people’s head explode?
Back to the survivors. The macho, soldier dude asks the secondary, praying girl to marry him.
Jackie: Did he just propose to her?
Cody: Why would she want some lose in a wife beater.
*We then get into a huge debate about whether or not one should pee on their headgear to keep cool if ever get lost in the desert. I’m quite certain I saw this tip on a survival show, the others think I “lost my nut”*
We are drawn back to the movie as the survivors are attacked by the humongous god bug.
Jackie: Oh no, it’s the ultimate bug optical course.
Cody: Optical course? Is it a vision test or something?
Jackie: *scowls at Cody* You know what I meant.
Nikki: It looks like the script writers missed their deadlines and just threw together all kinds of crap together to get the script done.
As the rescue crew comes in, just as the two females are about to be eaten.
Jackie: Wait are they naked in those suits? Because they had to get measured naked?
Cody: The soldiers can’t even see from side to side, how is that efficient?
Jackie: I still think they’re naked in there?
Nikki: Why are they two girls just kneeling and praying? They should be running?
Jackie: They have to be naked in those suites.
Cody: Fine! We’ll agree they’re naked.
They are rescued by Johnny Rico in a scene that strangely had very, very strong religious undertones. We have the resurrection, avenging angels, a vision of Mary and even a visual that is made to look like the Sistine Chapel. I could go more into it, but quite frankly at this point, I became more interested in a tin of cookies. (Hey, don’t judge, they were chocolate chip!)
On the whole, I think I can speak for the entire group when I say we liked the Vampire Boys a lot, lot, lot better. The evening wasn’t a total loss, however. I mean how often do you get to see a giant bug wearing a fake human face?