Vampire Boys-The Review

As promised, here is the review for The Vampire Boys. Was it an Oscar quality film? Not by a long shot. In fact, I’ve seen better YouTube videos. Am I sorry I watched it? Not one little bit. The Vampire Boys is a film that is so awful that it’s great. I’m not sorry I bought it because I know I’ll have to watch it again and again. It’s one of those movies, much like Showgirls and Starship Troopers, that become your comfort flicks. The ones you turn to when you’re sick with the flu or bored out of your skull and just want some mindless entertainment.

To help me with my review are Cody, Nikki, Jackie and my mother. Rather than having each person write out a formal review, I just wrote down their comments as they watched the movie. While I did go back and try to edit the final document, please excuse some of the typos, since I was having to type pretty fast. 

I will put in a big spoiler warning. This review does lay out all the plot points and twists to the movie. 

So don’t read it unless you want to know what happens. Of course, if you’ve read or watched Twilight you pretty much already know what’s happens anyway.

The movie opens with a black and white shot. A random girl is attacked and murdered (cue ominous voice) by our quartette of vampire dudes.

Mom-She’s running. I could run better… I think.

Jackie-Because I always run around in circles when I’m trying to run away.

Mom-Hey girl, just don’t stand there and let him bite you. Do something.

Jackie-To be a part of this vampire club, forget the coffins, forget the capes, forget everything else--you just have to wear an unbuttoned black shirt and show off your chest.

Now that we have our first victim already out of the way, we move on to the opening credits.

Steph-I’m loving this soundtrack. I think we have an Oscar contender.

Then our panel discussion moves back to the vampire’s attire.

Cody-are the biker boots supposed to represent something.

Jackie-Maybe it’s supposed to be a vampire gay trend?

Cody gives Jackie the look.

Jackie-If these vampires can go out into the dark then why are they so pale.

Mom-Wooooooow…..that picture cool

Our human hero, Bella…eh, I mean Caleb arrives to town to move into his rent free home with his new roommate, Paul.

Jackie-It has a coffin shaped frame!!!!

Cody-Oh my Gawd! You’re right.

Jackie-Why did Caleb knock over that candle?

Me-*shrug* I don’t know.

Cody-It has to be on purpose because they played ominous music when it fell. So it has to mean something.

Jackie-Maybe it’s because the candle holder was a cross. You know the whole vampire and crucifix thing?

Cody-No, because the vampires were all wearing HUGE crucifixes in the opening story.

Me-Guys! Stop trying to read too much into Caleb’s actions. He’s the Bella in this story. So of course that means he has to be clumsy.

The movie continues as Caleb and Paul go to the local coffeehouse. Never mind the fact the set looks like it’s just the director’s porch.

Cody-They are so obviously drinking from empty cups.

Mom-They always do that in movies and TV shows,

(Seriously people, am I the only one who’s ever noticed that? Can’t they at least put water or something in the cups to help further the illusion of the actors drinking? Any-hoo…moving on!)

Then we finally get to the scene where all four of the vampires are lying in a circle, while they sunbathe. Yeah, you read that right SUNBATHE. Because as one of the guy so helpfully points out, “Aren’t you glad the myth about vampires and the sun is not true?” Don’t you love it when characters in books and movies point out what should be mundane facts in dialog , so they can build on the story?

Jackie-Oh my god the one vamps glasses look like from Dollar General.

(She points to the one guy, who is wearing sunglasses with big yellow stems on them.)

Cody-No! They look like the free ones you get from Big Boy’s

Nikki-*who’d been sitting in silent horror up until now*His belly button is really weird.

Jackie-The lead’s glasses are even worse! They look that cataract glasses. What did he snag them from a granny after he was done feeding on her?

Jackie-Why don’t they face each other when they talk? It’s like they’re doing a stage play or something.

Now we go to Caleb, who is naked and in bed. His eyes are closed and he’s doing the whole twitching I’ma having a nightmare thing.

Nikki-*Big fake gasp* He’s having a bad dream guys!

Cody-Whenever I have bad dreams I’m always naked and Oprah is there.

The entire room stops to give Cody looks of shock. Cody shrugs and doesn’t appear one bit ashamed.

The next scene brings us back to human’s apartment. Paul is working on his computer, while Caleb runs around in his undies and “drinks” coffee.

Nikki-The roommate is supposed to be working on his computer, but it’s shut off.

Finally, Caleb and vampire, Jasin pass each other on the street. The slow motion first sighting sequence brings back memories of Twilight to all of us.

The as if that wasn’t already Twilight-y enough, Caleb and Paul are sitting in their school’s lunch room when…you got it…Jasin and the his vampire family make a we are so cool entrance.

 As the four vamps slowly walk down the stairs, Nikki yells-OMG! Is this where they all rip off their shirts?

Cody-*throws his hands up in disgust*This is so the gay Twilight.

Jackie-Yeah, but they even have a Jacob.

Cody-Who’s the Jacob.

Jackie-Paul of course.

Nikki-Oooooooh, I see it now. You’re right.

But all is good because Jasin asks Caleb for a date and, despite the fact some blonde female in hanging all over Jasin, Caleb agrees.

Line from lead. “I must feed before tonight.” Brings riots of laughter.

The movie continues and we have a scene where two guys and a girl run off to the woods for some fun. So anybody who’s ever watched a horror movies know that all three are dead-men walking. *sigh*When will people ever learn? You just don’t smex it up in horror flicks. Not if you want to live long enough for the sequel.

Cody-That guy has his hat on backwards, that means he’s straight. It’s code.

Jackie-That girl is so going to die. I know because she’s wearing a red shirt.

Mom-So these three are sacrificial lambs. *shakes her head in the whole when will kids ever learn way*

As the three sacrificial lambs start getting hot and heavy, scary music let us knows our favorite vampire quartet is a stalking.

Jackie-These vamps are kind of pervy.

Cody-So right! They could have attacked long ago. Instead their waiting so they can watch these three get it on.

After the most anticlimactic kill scene in movie history the lead declares. “Now I will not crave his blood tonight.” This bring another round of laughter from our panel.

We go back to the human apartment where Paul is sitting in the dark, sans shirt while he plays the guitar.

Jackie-His nipples are really dark.

Cody-They’re like Milk Duds.

Paul expresses his concern over Jasin. Hmmm…could it be that, even while he’s standing next to his current girlfriend, he still asks somebody else on a date? No? Really? Why is it that everyone in the movies doesn’t see an issue with this?

Jasin shows up for their date. Many sappy smiles are exchanged.

Cody-Did Jasin get that shirt from Walmart because it’s completely see-thru?

Me-It’s not that bad.

Nikki-No, Cody’s right. The shirt doesn’t even fit right. It looks like it’s ten sizes too big.

The pair go to the director’s porch…I mean, coffee house for their date. Where they share Caleb’s life story

Cody-How can Caleb say he’s an all-star swim champ? He’s built…well, like me!

Nikki-Their cups are empty again. (Don’t ask me why this bothered us so much)

Steph-Hey, he’s cheating on the blonde chick and not even hiding it. Why isn’t anyone in the flick bothered with this?

Cody-The writers of this movie must not have ever had a real human conversation, because they characters talk like robots.

As they say goodnight, Caleb trips as he walks up the stairs.

Steph-Look at that! He’s even clumsy like Bella.

Cody-I still can’t get over that shirt!!!!!

As this movie rolls along, we are shown a bunch of red-necks who are listening to hokey music and shooting at cans, when oh no, one of the bullets hits Jasin in the stomach. Why he and Caleb are standing just feet away from a shack full of red-neck stereotypes is never explained. But have no fear, the bullet does no harm because Jasin is a vampire after all.

Cody-So his vampire abilities even go so far as to fix the holes in his clothes? Because the bullet should have at least done that much damage.

Nikki-Yeahhhhhhh…I guess so.

Cody-*shaking his head at Caleb*What is it with this kid and deep Vee’s. That shirt is the biggest Vee neck I’ve ever seen!

The film next takes us back to the apartment. Paul angrily confronts Caleb. It seems that Paul has searched and searched all over the internet, yet could find nothing about Jasin.

Jackie-Ooooh, if you can’t Google somebody…

Cody-…that means you’re a vampire.

In the middle of the argument, Paul grabs Caleb and plants a big, fat, sloppy one on his lips.

Jackie-Rape Kiss!

Cody-How can he think that’s appropriate?

Cody-I’ve decided the lead is ugly.

Nikki-They’re all ugly.

Nikki-This is poorly written.

Jackie-Really, I’m going to start writing screenplays.

Cody-Caleb and Jasin just met yesterday! Why are they being so intense already?

As we continue watching, we are next taken back to the vampire camp. Our too-cool for real sunglasses boys are just hanging out and goofing around when Caleb gets a “feeling”. Paul is trouble and must be dealt with.

Jackie-I wonder if these vamps all went to the bead store together and made their own crucifixes?

Nikki-Or they’re wearing Mardi Gras beads.

Finally! After all our waiting we get the great, big love scene between Caleb and Jasin. The only problem is it ends up being neither great or big. In the end, the panels reaction is all the same, meh.

Cody-*with heavy sarcasm*The great love scene…nothing but rubbing.

Jackie-and not the good frottage type, either.

Cody-Yeah, it’s just like they’re giving each other a back rub.

Me-But you know they did do it because the one guy’s pant buttons are undone. Either that or he rushed out of the bathroom.

Nikki-Yeah, could be.

Me-That would be embarrassing.

Nikki-*nods in agreement*

At the end the love scene Caleb finds out that Jasin is a...gasp...vampire. Instead of staying and talking about it like an adult, Caleb runs off with hurt feelings.

Cody-What is up with the sudden love song music?

Aaaaaaand….it’s back to the vampire camp. Seriously don’t  these guys have a home? While the vamps are talking, the blonde chick stops by for a visit.

*Cody and Jackie debate whether or not one of the vamps has pec implants.*

Jackie-So now Jasin’s kissing the chick. Great, now he’s cheating of Caleb.

Then the vampires kill MAJOR SPOILER poor, poor Paul. *sniff* All he wanted to do was help his whiny roommate out. The vampires then talk about how nicely Paul’s body burned in their campfire.

Cody-Bodies just don’t burn that easy.

We all stop to look at him.

Jackie-And you know this, how?

Cody-I just do and let’s leave it at that.

As we continue to stare, he glares back.

Cody-Leave me alone, people. I just read it somewhere.

Now that’s settled we go back to the movie.

Me-Why isn’t anyone horrified when they walk up and see a body roasting away in the campfire? It’s not like you see stuff like that every day.

Jackie-You want to know what the biggest myth about vampires are? They don’t spend a fortune on sunglasses like Blade did. It’s 99 cent store all the way!

Nikki-No, buy one get one free.

Jasin tells Caleb, via flashback how he was turned into a vampire.

Nikki-OMG! Jasin’s wearing his date outfit a hundred years ago.

(She’s right. It’s the same see-thru, too big shirt from earlier.)

Jackie-I love the party store fangs.

Cody-they must not have had the budget for moving black and white photography, they could only do stills.

Jackie-More likely he doesn’t have the acting ability to do flashbacks.

Caleb forgives Jasin and tells him he doesn’t care about that whole vamp thing. They kiss and declare their love. Jasin tells Caleb that he’s his chosen one and the only person that can save Jasin from dying on his one hundredth vampire day, which just happens to be tomorrow. All Caleb has to do is agree to become a vampire. *gasp* Whatever will he do?

Jackie-They’re kisses are so stiff.

Cody-It’s like they don’t really like each other.

Mom-What about Paul? Doesn’t anyone care about him? Poor Paul? Let’s start a FB page for him.

Cody-Wow this is intense.

Mom-but nobody still cares about Paul.

As we’re taken back to the vampire camp, we find that one of the vampires is not a happy *giggle* camper about the whole Caleb is the chosen one thing. The Grumpy Vamp wants Jasin to change the blonde chick instead. Why he wants her instead of Caleb is never made clear. Jasin and Grumpy Vamp have a heated argument that involves hissing and fangs.

Me-What’s up with the sudden, random business attire on Grumpy Vamp? Is he a vampire banker?

Cody-what’s up with the hissing?

Jackie-No way! They are lisping around their fake teeth.

Another round of laugher because they are indeed lisping. “Are yoth thur yoth wath to goth through with this?”

The movie next takes us back to the now Paul-less human apartment. Where Jasin comes to ask Caleb if he’s made up his mind. Whoa! Way to pressure him there, buddy.

Jackie-What’s the humming sound?

Cody-It sounds like a fridge.

Caleb and Jasin are interrupted when the rest of the vampire family show up. That is all of them except for Grumpy Vamp who’s hatched an evil plan.

Cody-*points at the buffest vampire* Oh, my god, it’s tit implants. (From this point we shall call this guy TI Vampire.)

Then TI  Vampire says that Grumpy Vampire has kidnapped the blonde chick and the only way to save her is for Jasin to fight him. He then laments that Jasin may not win because Grumpy Vamp is soooooooo powerful.

Cody-Shut up, Negative Nancy.

We then go to the vampire came for the huge, big fight scene.

Jackie-There is not one spec of emotion in this whole scene.

Nikki-It’s so robotic.

Cody-Nobody still cares about Paul.

Nikki-I’m confused.

Me-Cody, look Tara is wearing a deep-vee, too.

Jackie-Even the fighting is weak.

Me-It’s on like Donkey Kong.

Jackie-Oh somebody is being sneaky with the shovel.

Cody-Because that will kill them when a bullet do nothing.

Nikki-She’s….dead.

Blonde chick has been bitten, but do not worry, fans, she will live. She will however be a vampire now. Then Caleb decides he wants to be one, too. So Jasin turns him, as well.

The final scene shows the new and improved vampire family slowly walking down the street.

Nikki-What happened to Paul!

Cody-Didn’t they ever tell him that they killed Paul? And is so is he okay with it? Will Paul even show up in the credits?

Nikki-They just don’t care about Paul.

By the way, Paul’s name did show up in the credits, but he was listed after the red-necks and the wiener-shot boys. *sigh* Poor Paul just can’t get any respect.